Last Updated on June 23, 2014 by Simon Elson
WARNING: If you are a motorists And Do Not ride a bike you may wish to navigate away from this page now, by continuing to read you accept all responsibility for any increase in blood pressure that may occur….
I do drive a car, but reluctantly. It’s just really for family trips and (all too frequent) shopping trips. Sometimes I just point blank refuse to move from the sofa to drive to Tesco (other supermarkets are available), normally after three consecutive nights trips to said place. I can normally hold out for as long as five minutes until my significant other crushes my resolve and I reluctantly get my bottom off the sofa and in to the drivers seat. I do normally manage to get beer added to the shopping list though……
Anyway back to the cycling, everywhere I need to go on my own, I go by bike…. Unless its to pick up something like a door from B & Q…..
Now I’m probably preaching to the converted as this is a cycling website but can I highlight the following things about cars and motorists that annoy me arranged neatly in a bullet point style…..
- I’m cycling down a slight incline and have managed to reach 30 mph and you decide to exit a side street because I’m only a ‘cyclist’ so can’t be going that fast….. Well I am travelling at the same speed as a moped, where the rider is clad in leathers (or jeans and coat) with hydraulic disc brakes and a full face crash helmet. I’m scantily clad in Lycra with 4 x 1 inch brake blocks and (if worn) a polystyrene hat. Would you pull out on a moped?…. No, so why is it okay to pull out on me.
- When I’m driving down a side street and I give way, oncoming motorists give a wave of thanks, when I’m on a bike and do the same I am totally ignored as if I am H.G Wells’ ‘Invisible Man’ or an Unperson from 1984,…. a simple nod would stop me from yelling a sarcastic ‘THANKS THEN’
- When getting behind the wheel of your 2 tonne car would you please refrain from smoking ‘exotic’ tobacco as it can cloud your judgement when it comes to how fast I’m travelling and how much room you need to give me….. It would also negate the need for me to shout ‘WEEEEEEDDDDDDDDD’ Bill and Ben style or sing ‘Wacky Backy’ to the tune of ‘Woolly Bully’ by Sam the Sham and the Pharaohs, when I get a whiff through your open window….. And whilst we are on the subject of Weed if I can smell it from your car as you pass me at 40 mph then I’m sure your mum can when you get home.
- Road Tax…. (yawn) either you don’t pay it (it’s now V.E.D) or I do (because I own a car) If we have agreed it is a tax to a drive car it then I’ve done you a favour by riding my bike today in front of you, because if I was in my car I’d be even harder to get round…. and whilst we are on the subject of Road tax/Duty etc. Would you mind writing to your M.P and getting him to spend it on the roads as the potholes are playing havoc with my new wheels……
- And finally If you think I look a twat in Lycra then I can assure you that your builders arse you will show when you get of your car is not ‘Adonis’ personified
The above is available is available as power-point presentation so you can really piss off your overweight, unfit, non-cycling colleagues off at the next staff training/team building exercise/health and safety lecture.
And breathe………… Rant over.