by Simon Norton aka ‘The Relationship Guru’
This article is predominantly aimed at cycling males with non-cycling female partners. But It can also apply to same sex relationships or even cycling ladies with non-cycling fellas (if the last scenario is the case with yourself, then please contact me as we are clearly both with the wrong person) The following is tried and trusted advice gleaned from years of experience……..
Your Partner won’t let you buy something for your bike (or a new bike):
There are several ways of dealing with this here are a few of the more popular.
- Sulk…. Not normally that effective, but can work so try this first.
- Don’t tell them…… This is called ‘The Under The Radar Approach’ and is by far the easiest option, either build a relationship with your local bike shop or open a new Ebay/Amazon etc account with an encrypted password and with your work place as the delivery address. Simple – works every time for smaller blingy carbon bits that they won’t notice.
- For larger items like bikes that are obvious and cannot be bought using ‘Under the radar’ Then the easiest way is ‘The Plausible Deniability Approach’ mislead them about the price (don’t lie just be VERY vague) and find the remaining balance from a non traceable source (i.e. switch off paper statements on your bank account/Credit Card or borrow off rich parent).
- If non of the above are possible (or haven’t worked) then you need to consider the most extreme measure which is ‘The We Were On a Break Approach’. Don’t mention bikes or bits for at least 2 weeks, then engineer a row about something NOT related to cycling, serious enough for one party to feel the need to flounce back to their parents for a few days. YOU ARE NOW OFFICIALLY SINGLE…. Quickly buy the bike, when you make up a week later they will accept you (and your new bike) back with open arms…….
Your partner says you pay more attention to your bike than them.
This is obviously true. But do not point this out and DO NOT explain that it doesn’t answer back, or give you a job list on days off and doesn’t require fore-play before you ride it. This would certainly lead to a row (and as it is bike related cannot be used to initiate the ‘We were on a break’ scenario above)
What you need to do is to apologise saying you didn’t realise and go in the car and fetch some flowers (they must be fetched in the car as flowers get squashed on a bike and your partner would also think it was just a cunning plan for more bike time) Leave the bike fettling and cleaning for a few hours/days (depending on the level reached on the Richter scale during the row)…. Don’t worry your bike will forgive you because that’s what true love is all about.
Your partner says you spend more time cycling than with them.
This is a similar problem to the above ‘Attention’ problem but should be handled differently. Explain that the cycling is making you fitter and more attractive for them, and the fitness level will help you both with more stamina in the bedroom.
If you decide after you have got fitter and more attractive that you are now punching below your weight partner-wise, then stay with them until you have located a potential new partner among the cycling fraternity. This should be quite easy as most cyclists have the same problem.
Males should be looking for 20 something lady Gymnasts/Swimmers who have been told to keep their fitness levels up and Females should be looking at 40 something Company Director Mamils on a Carbon bike with a Ferrari in the garage. When you have located similar to the above then you should explain from a safe distance to ‘your soon to be ex’ that they have let themselves go and if they had taken more exercise like yourself it wouldn’t have happened and then cycle off into the sunset……
Simon Norton wrote this article whilst recuperating in intensive care after a recent ‘discussion’ with his wife.